Wherefore art thou baby...
The anxiety and sadness I feel when I have to leave Harper for the day is crippling. I never fathomed I would love a tiny human this much. Kids were never a thought that crossed my mind. In fact I was the one who always shunned having kids. Hated them. Made it known I hated them. They are sticky, rude, noisy, rude. Did I mention rude? But one day I woke up and decided I wanted to have A kid, one, with my hubby. He had already accepted my hatred of children and settled for not having any. So he was shocked the day I brought it up.
Well, fast forward a year from that conversation and BAM we have a kid. First try did the trick so we didn't really have time to transition into this idea. It went from not wanting kids to yeah lets try to BAM we have a kid. But not just ANY kid. Baby Harper Orrison, the doe eyed, ginger angel from our dreams!
I always thought I loved my cats so much and that must be how people felt about their children. I never thought I could feel this kind of love for a child. It's different. It's refreshing. It's scary. I cannot imagine my life without her. With that being said, leaving her is like dying every day. Granted I am a worry wart. I probably have a diagnosable bout of anxiety but am in denial of seeing a doctor about it. But it is not just the anxiety, its the guilt of leaving her. The thought of her thinking I've abandoned her. These thoughts break my heart. I just remind myself I am doing what I have to to care for her. Her father and myself both have to work to afford life and provide the best things for her.
Now before you say that we should have thought of the cost of children before having them, just stop. As someone once told us, "If you wait for the right time to have kids, you will never have kids." It is just impossible to have a one income household where we live. But I digress. I worry every second I am away from her. And it's the worst thoughts possible. Like a meteorite landed on just her. What is that craziness? Luckily I receive beautiful picture updates of my smiling baby and that reassures me for a little while.
Just recently I had to leave her for the weekend for the first time due to a death in the family. This was the first night away from her. Not only did my body realize she was gone but my heart was sad to be away from her. To not see her smiling face first thing in the morning was rough. It was only a few days but now I worry for my emotional state when she goes to kindergarten or even college! I get it now.
I just want to be a stay at home mom and enjoy all the minutes with her. See all the firsts and absorb all the experiences. Its funny how life works. I never thought I would be wanting this life. But here I am and I don't regret one bit of it. I will find a way to give my daughter everything.
Well, fast forward a year from that conversation and BAM we have a kid. First try did the trick so we didn't really have time to transition into this idea. It went from not wanting kids to yeah lets try to BAM we have a kid. But not just ANY kid. Baby Harper Orrison, the doe eyed, ginger angel from our dreams!
I always thought I loved my cats so much and that must be how people felt about their children. I never thought I could feel this kind of love for a child. It's different. It's refreshing. It's scary. I cannot imagine my life without her. With that being said, leaving her is like dying every day. Granted I am a worry wart. I probably have a diagnosable bout of anxiety but am in denial of seeing a doctor about it. But it is not just the anxiety, its the guilt of leaving her. The thought of her thinking I've abandoned her. These thoughts break my heart. I just remind myself I am doing what I have to to care for her. Her father and myself both have to work to afford life and provide the best things for her.
Now before you say that we should have thought of the cost of children before having them, just stop. As someone once told us, "If you wait for the right time to have kids, you will never have kids." It is just impossible to have a one income household where we live. But I digress. I worry every second I am away from her. And it's the worst thoughts possible. Like a meteorite landed on just her. What is that craziness? Luckily I receive beautiful picture updates of my smiling baby and that reassures me for a little while.
Just recently I had to leave her for the weekend for the first time due to a death in the family. This was the first night away from her. Not only did my body realize she was gone but my heart was sad to be away from her. To not see her smiling face first thing in the morning was rough. It was only a few days but now I worry for my emotional state when she goes to kindergarten or even college! I get it now.
I just want to be a stay at home mom and enjoy all the minutes with her. See all the firsts and absorb all the experiences. Its funny how life works. I never thought I would be wanting this life. But here I am and I don't regret one bit of it. I will find a way to give my daughter everything.
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