The Silent Struggle
Hello my dear readers. It has been a minute since I have posted anything. As you fellow moms know it can be hard to do it all including take care of a toddler, paint, full time job and write. So this has been put on the back burner for a little while. I have not felt the urge to write or felt the necessity to write anything. But as time has gone on and events have occurred I did get a little inspiration in me and so here we are.
Before we dive too deep in I guess I want to place a "trigger warning" here. People are extra sensitive these days and instead of just going through it like a human being and dealing with your emotions I am placing the warning here now. The below is about to be intense and trigger some readers. But my goal is not to trigger anybody but to more share my story for others to think "me too Jess, me too." So you have been warned.
As most know my husband and I have a beautiful baby girl who will be two sooner than I like to think about. It still feels like just yesterday we were bringing her home and scared to death of being parents. Not knowing what to do and afraid to mess her up. As time went on we became pretty good at the parenting thing. We both agreed we needed another little bean in our life. Harper needed a sibling to grow up with. I grew up an only child and would have loved to have a sibling. My husband grew up with a younger brother but the age difference got in the way sometimes. They were 5 years apart. We knew we wanted our littles at least 2 years apart roughly.
As time went on and the time came we were excited as ever to start that adventure again. And guess what? That time came. We were so excited to bring another little bean into the world. Would it be a he or a she? A red head or brunette? Brown eyes? Will she look like me??
It was an exciting time in our lives. We did family reveals, told our parents the great news. I made our appointment and then we just waited. That wait is the worst. Anxiety levels reach ultimate highs.
Lets jump back to my first pregnancy. It was super easy. First try, no morning sickness, no complications, everything was just peachy. Well other than the 27 hours of labor it was just peachy. With that in my head for round two what could go wrong? It should be the same? Or would it be the opposite? Well I immediately started not feeling well, constant dizziness and fatigue. I just felt off, I assume that was just how this pregnancy was gonna go.
Well 6 weeks in the worst happened. Now some of you may say well 6 weeks is nothing, that's too early. But when you are tracking every day, counting down the right timing. Timing when to take a pregnancy test. Then 6 weeks is at least 2 weeks of knowing and dreaming and thinking.
So to wake up on that 6th week to an unwelcome site is just heartbreaking. To wake up thinking this is just normal, it'll pass. Googling what this could mean and getting mixed information. Is this normal bleeding or am I having a misscarriage. This was not normal bleeding. I knew deep down what was happening. I gathered myself and got ready for work. On my drive in I called the doctor and made an appointment for later that day.
As I sat at work holding back tears that I was being set back from meeting the next little Orrison, I realized nobody knows what I am going through, what my body is handling. As I sat at my cubicle waiting for my doctors appointment to arrive, I thought to myself how many other people around me are battling something in silence. How many of them are fighting a battle on their own.
My husband and I battled this in silence for over a month. And I finally realized I needed to share. I got the feeling in my gut to write. Everyone is going through stuff nobody else knows about. They could be having internal struggles and using everything they have to no cry or have an emotional outburst.
My major takeaway is not to feel pity but to realize everyone has their own silent struggles. So be nice.
Before we dive too deep in I guess I want to place a "trigger warning" here. People are extra sensitive these days and instead of just going through it like a human being and dealing with your emotions I am placing the warning here now. The below is about to be intense and trigger some readers. But my goal is not to trigger anybody but to more share my story for others to think "me too Jess, me too." So you have been warned.
As most know my husband and I have a beautiful baby girl who will be two sooner than I like to think about. It still feels like just yesterday we were bringing her home and scared to death of being parents. Not knowing what to do and afraid to mess her up. As time went on we became pretty good at the parenting thing. We both agreed we needed another little bean in our life. Harper needed a sibling to grow up with. I grew up an only child and would have loved to have a sibling. My husband grew up with a younger brother but the age difference got in the way sometimes. They were 5 years apart. We knew we wanted our littles at least 2 years apart roughly.
As time went on and the time came we were excited as ever to start that adventure again. And guess what? That time came. We were so excited to bring another little bean into the world. Would it be a he or a she? A red head or brunette? Brown eyes? Will she look like me??
It was an exciting time in our lives. We did family reveals, told our parents the great news. I made our appointment and then we just waited. That wait is the worst. Anxiety levels reach ultimate highs.
Lets jump back to my first pregnancy. It was super easy. First try, no morning sickness, no complications, everything was just peachy. Well other than the 27 hours of labor it was just peachy. With that in my head for round two what could go wrong? It should be the same? Or would it be the opposite? Well I immediately started not feeling well, constant dizziness and fatigue. I just felt off, I assume that was just how this pregnancy was gonna go.
Well 6 weeks in the worst happened. Now some of you may say well 6 weeks is nothing, that's too early. But when you are tracking every day, counting down the right timing. Timing when to take a pregnancy test. Then 6 weeks is at least 2 weeks of knowing and dreaming and thinking.
So to wake up on that 6th week to an unwelcome site is just heartbreaking. To wake up thinking this is just normal, it'll pass. Googling what this could mean and getting mixed information. Is this normal bleeding or am I having a misscarriage. This was not normal bleeding. I knew deep down what was happening. I gathered myself and got ready for work. On my drive in I called the doctor and made an appointment for later that day.
As I sat at work holding back tears that I was being set back from meeting the next little Orrison, I realized nobody knows what I am going through, what my body is handling. As I sat at my cubicle waiting for my doctors appointment to arrive, I thought to myself how many other people around me are battling something in silence. How many of them are fighting a battle on their own.
My husband and I battled this in silence for over a month. And I finally realized I needed to share. I got the feeling in my gut to write. Everyone is going through stuff nobody else knows about. They could be having internal struggles and using everything they have to no cry or have an emotional outburst.
My major takeaway is not to feel pity but to realize everyone has their own silent struggles. So be nice.
Great read Jess!! Love you and am here for you!! That next lil bean will happen soon enough!
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